“How did you go bankrupt?”

Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”

Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

My downward trajectory starts pretty steadily, but my rock bottom? Well that’s another story. 

A year ago I wrote about what I thought was my rock bottom. It involved a messy break-up, a raging coke addiction, and deep depression. I stopped drinking for a bit, then proceeded to drive my life even further into the ground. I eventually reached the lowest point I could possibly go before I wouldn’t be able to go on any longer, and here we are.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but here’s the gist: 

  • I am now facing criminal (and possibly even felony) drug and alcohol charges.
  • I’ve maxed out my credit cards and have unpaid bills for days.
  • My mail goes straight into a cardboard box. I refuse to open anything that looks like it could be remotely serious.
  • My to-do list is 100 miles long. It is made up of tasks that I have been ignoring for over a year, possibly longer. 
  • I watched my fairy tale love story slip away when I chose drugs and alcohol over a man I didn’t deserve in the first place.
  • I have no real relationships or friendships. I live an isolated, lonely, and secretive existence.

Needless to say, my life is about as stable as a house of cards. If I think too deeply about anything I literally want to die. I am sick with anxiety and self-hatred, made 100x worse by substance abuse and alcoholism.

Every aspect of my life has been sabotaged or ruined, and I have no one to blame but myself.

My world is demolished to smithereens and I have no other choice but to surrender.

So here we are. I am at my lowest of lows and there is nowhere to go but up. So in an effort to avoid death, homelessness, and crippling depression, tomorrow begins the first day of the rest of my life.

No alcohol, no cocaine, and no drugs (other than weed.)

So here we go!

One day at a time...