May 30

Today was the first day in a very long time that I didn’t drink.

I was a bit worried that I might be one of those “real” alcoholics who drops dead from withdrawals, so I kept the weed around just to be safe. In the meantime, I guess I’ll keep an eye on the symptoms of dying for the next 48 hours and go from there? Seemed to help me get through my first day at least, so I’m grateful for that.

It rained today. It was such a random surprise, but one I gratefully accepted. Being from Arizona, rain is my special omen. It always seems to spontaneously sprinkle on my birthday and other significant times, so the fact that this random respite from the scorching heat happened TODAY, of all days, was frankly a miracle.

I feel good about this, I got a ton of stuff done. Started my day with a cup of coffee from my new Kurig. Holy crap that was amazing, And the first hot coffee I’ve had at home since I clogged the garbage disposal last year during my dramatic stint with the french press.

Morning coffee made at home like a grown-up is a ritual I am excited to continue.

Work went well, I cleaned, grocery shopped, got tasks done around the house – basically a ton of shit normal adults do without expecting praise. But I’m not a normal adult, so I’m pretty proud of myself.

Overall my day went really well. But then my ex-boyfriend called to drop a bombshell on me and completely rained on my parade. He said he’s been dating someone for a couple weeks, and says they might get married?! Why did he have to tell me this today?

Whatever, at least I didn’t drink (or even think about it), but I did drive to the gas station for a pack of cigarettes. Ugh.

But onward and upwards. I feel good and confident and in control. And ready to commit to another day without alcohol. 

May 31

Today’s been great. I went to the gym, did more grocery shopping (and eating) and had a really solid ass time alone.

I spontaneously starting writing, and what started with quickly jotting down a single idea turned into an hour of me pacing around the house furiously typing away on my phone. It felt good. It’s been a long fucking time since i did that. It’s as if I intentionally denied myself the right to write until I stopped drinking, and I already feel it pouring out and it feels AMAZING!

Writing is something I know that I need to do. It’s like a burning need that I think about 24/7 yet refuse to do while drunk. And up until 48 hours ago there was always booze coursing through my veins.

I know that someway, somehow, writing is what I need to do to free myself and find clarity. Until I start getting a lot of what’s inside of me out I cannot heal.

The fact that I’ve stuck to this writing ritual – even for a measly 2 days – is huge for me. Addict me doesn’t stick to shit. That version of me squeaks by and refuses to acknowledge the present. Good and throughful writing must take place in the present. There’s literally no other way. And i haven’t had a “present” in a VERY long time. Now it’s beginning to feel like it’s all I have. It’s a weird feeling, but I think I like it.

June 1

Good fucking day. I went to Orange Theory before work, worked (my ass off) at the office, then talked to my mom on the phone and scheduled all of my posts for work tomorrow.

Once again this sounds like a regular person’s ordinary day, but not in this house! I never do all that, and if I do it is certainly not in the same day! It was such a relief waking up knowing that all of my posts were already scheduled. Usually my mornings are pure chaos because I have nothing prepared ahead of time. I keep asking myself why I haven’t been doing this all along, but I think I know the answer to that. Without alcohol in the picture now, this is the kind of thing I can finally start doing.

I just feel really good, content, and calm. 

Also, this whole not drinking thing is starting to feel much easier. It’s shockingly easy, actually. I’m not saying this because I feel cocky, I’m just documenting how I feel today because I need to remind myself that it tends to get easier for me once I get past that 1-2 day hump. 

Oh yeah, I had a creepy dream that I woke up and my mouth was full of blood. Then I spit out blood along with a pointy little tooth. 

June 2

Day 4 in the books and it feels so good. I worked hard, stayed on top of my shit, then had my first dinner out since quitting drinking and refrained with ease. 

I never thought I could live without alcohol. Alcohol has been my entire adult life up until now, and I was really scared to let it go. I’m happy to report that I still feel awesome, and I’m so grateful for this. 

While waiting for my dad to meet me for dinner, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw this girl Sienna I went to high school with post about her sobriety journey. I left a comment and admitted for the first time publicly (albeit in someone else’s post) that I was on day 4 of my own journey.

She immediately replied, then messaged me privately with her number and a generous fucking heart. I feel butterflies in my stomach now. Like, this has to be real now. Sienna is a damn near complete stranger to me, I’ve never spoken to her in my life despite going to the same schools since kindergarten. But that message set in stone how serious I am about this. My subconscious knows that writing to myself here may not be enough to keep me on track. Maybe I do need a “tribe” after-all.

June 3

Another awesome day in the books. I effortlessly resisted the temptation to have a margarita fuled pool party at my boss’s house, and instead came home and shaved my whole body with my new Dollar Shave Club razor. Now I’m wearing a bentonite clay face mask eating Chia seed pudding and watching YouTube. 

Life is good. I feel in control. 

This is day 5 of not drinking and day 3 of our state mandated curfew. I never thought I’d see the day Scottdale shut down because looting and riots, but its 2020 and not a damn thing surprises me anymore! I can’t help but think maybe I picked a weird time to get sober. Life feels sober. But for some reason I feel comforted by my sobriety.

I’m beginning to feel like a person who can be predictable – in a good way, of course. Little 5 minute tasks are becoming less daunting, and I feel so proud of myself for knocking shit out. My aunt has been asking me for weeks to send her a baby picture for my cousin’s shower next weekend, and today with great and sudden urgency I finally decided to send it.

Little things like this have been happening all week, and I am welcoming my new sense of personal responsibility with open arms. I’m pretty sure everyone else appreciates me finally #adulting, too.

In other mundane news, I no longer need to steal toilet paper from my bosses house. I actually bought my own! It’s quickly becoming clear that I was really making life unnecessarily ridiculous for myself in every way.

June 4

I made it through another day! I’ve been eating like a pig, but I surprised myself and went to Orange Theory after work and felt amazing afterwards. That’s when my eating got pretty out of control (to the tune of literally 3 back-to-back dinners), but I didn’t drink! I feel good and stable yet again!

I’ve been really looking forward to my mornings lately. I love my new coffee ritual. So much better than scrambling around for coffee half asleep or drinking crappy cold brew. Until 4 days ago, I was too inebriated to even consider buying a fucking coffee maker. I was such a mess.

June 5

I’m currently sitting at happy hour with my boss, Josh. It was a rare easy day at the office and sort of overcast out (my favorite), so I asked him if he had any errands to run which somehow led to this. I’m now watching him guzzle pitchers of beer and I want to go home.

It’s weird, no one’s really had much of a response to me not drinking. I am (was?) never without a drink in my hand, so it is really quite bizarre that no one wants to comment on it.

I told my gay best friend Nate I wasn’t drinking, and his response was something along the lines of “eww gross how long is this going to be?”

When I told my boss, he acted like he didn’t hear me. I don’t think people are going to be very happy with this decision. This type of shit makes me glad that I reached out to Sienna, she’s kind of all I have. I am so grateful she is being so nice to me.

Once today is over, it will have been a complete week!